Eat, Play, {Pray}, Love

Declan is working on his first full day on Prevacid.  His balking at the breast has lessened lately with the use of the shield, so I'm hoping the medicine will help his gagging and spit up, although it's not really supposed to lessen the spit up (shame... my washing machine could use a small vacation).  This morning I found a list of symptoms associated with infant acid reflux on BabyCenter.com.  I was wide-eyed.  Declan has all but two of these symptoms.  Had I found this before, may I have been convinced that it was acid reflux, the very first diagnosis we received?

• Spitting up – common among most babies, spitting up does not always warrant a reflux diagnosis or require medication.  Your baby’s doctor will consider spitting up along with other symptoms when making a reflux diagnosis and determining if meds are needed for pain management.
• Gagging and choking - during feeds or after
• Vomiting – large amounts of spit-up or projectile in nature
• Frequent or wet hiccups – while many babies get hiccups, it’s especially common in refluxers to have frequent and long-lasting hiccups; “wet” hiccups can be an indication of silent reflux
• Abdominal pain – indicated by arching back, either during or after feeds or both
• Bad breath – can occur any time of day but is often most apparent after waking from sleep
• Poor sleep – inability to sleep soundly, frequent waking, and/or crying in sleep
• Over or under eating – while most refluxers will under eat to avoid pain associated with feedings, many will comfort eat to soothe themselves
• Unexplainable, inconsolable crying and/or fussy temperament – especially during or after feeding, while burping or hiccupping, and/or while arching their backs
• Feeding aversions or refusals – usually related to bottle or breast due to the associating pain with feeding, although is not solely limited to formula or breast feedings
• Swallowing or gulping – after a feeding or burping
• Chronic cough – after a feeding or burps
• Chronic congestion – rattling in the nasal passage or chest that does not appear to be related to illness and that doesn’t seem to clear up over time
• Hoarse voice – especially when not related to illness
• Gurgling sounds – during or after feeding
• Back arching – especially during and after feeding
• Apnea – trouble catching a breath or stops breathing
• Wheezing – especially when not accompanied by illness
• Clawing at breast or bottle or pulling off the nipple
• Sandifer’s Syndrome – twitching, grimacing, arching, stiffening, and seizure-like symptoms
• Poor weight gain or Failure To Thrive (FTT)

I would say many of the symptoms have not yet been taken care of with the Prevacid, but one very important one has.  SLEEP!  I don't know if it was a coincidence or the medicine helping to keep the heartburn from waking him, but he took a long morning nap.  Unfortunately, the apartment below us is being gutted this week so the noise ended up waking him after about an hour and a half.  I am looking forward to days ahead as my sweet boy suffers less and less.  I've only had heartburn a handful of times, but it was NOT fun!  And that Sandifer's Syndrome - I didn't know it had a name - that was killer to me.  It really felt like he was having a seizure as I was rocking him to sleep one night.

Some things that are strange:  everyone tells you to keep an acid reflux baby upright as much as possible.  During feedings, for at least 20 minutes after feedings, elevate the head of the crib, changing table, etc. so that he isn't flat on his back too much.  I have noticed that this helps his spitting up issues ZERO.  He can be sitting completely still and calm after a feeding.  I'll talk to him or let him play with my hand or we'll watch TV - whatever to keep him calm and still for as long as possible after his feeding.  Most times, that regurgitation comes right up no matter what.  No doubt he would spill his guts if we bounced him and spun him around like we only dare to do right before a feeding, but still, it doesn't help as much as you'd think.  So, if you've got a reflux baby and you've experienced this, know that you're not alone!

Another strange thing is that he seems to spit up less when I feed him a lot.  Like when I have given him a bottle.  I have read about other moms of 4 month olds feeding their babies about 4-5 ounces.  My kid doesn't stop til 6 or 7 ounces, and even then it's just sometimes that's because the bottle's empty.  The overfeeding may make his heartburn worse (haven't concluded this yet) like what happens when I myself eat too much, but for some odd reason, my husband and I agree: he doesn't spit up on a very full belly.

I am optimistic and relieved!  This beautiful, cool, drizzly day plus cup of coffe + chai frappe have me feeling good.  And Declan's taking another lengthy nap.  So glad he is sleeping better!  Must mean he's feeling good, too.

The Great Eating Mystery

Okay, lots of you know that Declan has been having eating problems.  Yes, you probably thought we had it figured out, too.  Well it came back... again.  We are going to see a lactation consultant in the morning, and I will also be seeking out a chiropractor tomorrow. Anyway, my purpose in writing this is primarily to share our journey in hopes that it can help someone else - because I KNOW we will get through this - and secondarily, to seek help!

His main symptoms  center around feedings.  At most feedings (during the day, sometimes at night) he will latch on when I try to breastfeed him.  On a "good" feeding he will eat for 5 minutes, but usually just a few seconds to 1 minute.  He will repeatedly latch on and pull off several times, seems to get less and less patient each time.  Sometimes he will be fussy or even furious, and then other times he will just look around and coo and even smile at me.  Between feedings he is his happy, normal self.  His daytime naps have not been affected too much, but his nighttime sleep has been broken up.  He will usually wake 1-2 times in the night, and I have taken to feeding him then because they have become the only time he actually will take a full feeding.

This behavior began when he was 3 months and 4 days old.  After 10 days of dealing with it, I took him to a doctor (not his normal one) who diagnosed him with acid reflux and prescribed Zantac.  The medicine took up to a week to work.  On the 7th day of taking the medicine, he had a perfect eating day and I thought it was solved with the Zantac.  The next day, everything went back to bad, and he had additionally developed the habit of waking 5-6 times a night.  I got him an appointment with his regular doctor who told me to take him off of the Zantac, which I did.

When Declan was 4 months and 5 days old, I randomly tried the breast shield that we sometimes used (we had started using it a lot less since he was pretty weaned off of it - I just kept it around in case).  He ate perfectly, and continued to do so for the rest of his feedings that evening with the help of the shield.  The next day went well too, with only a couple of minor problems.  Now the problem is back in full force.

So here's the long list of my theories and the supporting facts for them.  However, I can't seem to settle on one because of the contradicting facts that also exist.  I realize that I probably just don't know enough about some of them and perhaps what I consider to be "contradictory" is in fact a support.  Do you know?  Should I be considering another theory?  Can I rule out a theory?  Please enlighten me!


Theory:  Nipple Confusion
  Supporting facts:

• eats fine from a bottle
• we used a pacifier early (I can't remember how early, but before 6 weeks for sure), and some bottles too because we had to supplement with formula at the beginning
• will sometimes do better with the breast shield
• the weekend before the problem began, we took a road trip and he received 3 feedings in a row from a bottle, and the next day another bottle.

Contradictory facts:

•  will often nurse fine for 1-5 minutes and then pull off - it sure doesn't seem like he's forgotten how to eat!
• he went weeks without a bottle (although we did still use a pacifier) and it did not solve anything.

Theory:  Has he become more efficient and doesn't need the long feedings anymore? 
  Supporting facts:

• his wet and dirty diaper count have not changed during this whole ordeal
• he spits up a lot... more than he used to
• he will often seem content and look around after nursing less than 5 minutes
• he is normal and happy between feedings
• he appears to be gaining weight within the acceptable range

Contradictory facts:

• he acts hungry shortly after I've tried and tried to feed him and he has convinced me that he's not interested
• I can hear his stomach growling
• he sucks on his fists and cries angrily - which I think means he's hungry?
• is it really possible or normal for him to go from five to six 25 minute feedings a day to six to seven 1-5 minute ones overnight?

Theory:  Food allergy
  Supporting facts:

• several experienced ladies have suggested this to me, though I don't know much about it
• I do eat a lot of dairy, eggs, nuts - those things that often cause allergies
• many of his dirty diapers are green and gooey, which could indicate a dairy allergy

Contradictory facts:

• his behavior seems feeding-centric - he does not seem irritable between feedings
• he will take a bottle of my pumped milk with no resistance

Theory:  Bad milk taste?
  Supporting facts:

• hormonal changes like resuming "Tom" or *sigh* another pregnancy can change the taste of breast milk.  It's still a mystery to me if either of these are to blame, and I am too scared to take a test so I comfort myself with the contradictory facts
• upon just observation of his behavior when feeding, he sure seems to just really dislike the taste

Contradictory facts:

• a change in the taste of milk usually only causes a nursing strike for a day or two, whereas this has lasted over a month now
• after a month of this nursing strike, "Tom" is not around... and I am on BC thank you!

Theory:  Low milk supply
  Supporting facts:

• the problem is usually nonexistent in the middle of the night when I'm "full"
• he seems to get more frustrated when he has eaten a minute or two, could because he is having to work for it more

Contradictory facts:

• on a 2 or 3 occasions, he has refused to nurse even when I am "full"

4 Months Old: Happy Baby, Tired Momma

Sitting funny (c:

Declan is 4 months old today!  I'm looking forward to breaking out some of the 4-month gear we have in the closet, like the Johnny Jump-Up and a sling for older babies.  I have started using the Bumbo with him even though I think it's more of a 4-month thing, but I tuck a little rolled blanket around him to keep him from leaning too far over (c:

He is enjoying tummy time more, although he still has trouble remembering how to roll over.  Our hands are some of his favorite things to hold and stare at.  He'll grab a finger and pull it towards him, then push it out over and over.  He's very vocal and also loves to be talked to.  He'll often stare at me with pure delight listening when I talk to him, which is all the time.  Grandma GoGo started teaching him to make an "aaaa" noise while we pat his mouth -- "awa-wa-wa-wa-wa..."

His personality is definitely starting to show.  When I'm carrying him around over my shoulder, he will "comment" on what he sees with sudden little outbursts of, "uh!"  or even, "ooooo!"

He holds his toys pretty well - enjoys the octopus from the Baby Einstein ocean play mat the most.  It has a rattle and a ring in the shape of a fish that is easy for him to hold onto and put in his mouth.  It goes with us everywhere.

We're still waiting on the baby laugh.  Supposedly, my dad got him to laugh on October 2nd.  Only he and my mom were there to hear it.  We haven't been able to get him to do it again, despite our desperate efforts.

Mid-September, Delcan suddenly started to refuse feedings and cried a lot.  It was easy to see he was hungry, but something was wrong.  I took him to the doctor who diagnosed him with acid reflux and prescribed Zantac, which took a week to work.  In the meantime, I tried to breastfeed him, but most feedings ended up giving him a bottle of pumped milk because they were easier for him to take (I guess the acid reflux made his esophagus irritated).  4 days later, he and I went to visit my parents in New Braunfels for a week.  The medicine started working while we were there, but by then he had developed nipple confusion from all of the bottle feedings, and although he was not crying in pain from reflux, his cry had changed to frustration because he wanted the easy bottle.  A week later we are still struggling with it, but the past two days he has shown dramatic improvement and we are almost back to normal.  We'll be staying away from bottles for a while, needless to say.

Sleep has become difficult for him lately, too.  While we were visiting my parents, Declan, who normally sleeps 10 hours a night at home, started waking every 3 hours, then 2 hours, and on the last two nights we were there, he woke about every hour.  I hoped that when we came home, his sleep would settle back into its normal rhythm.  3 nights home, and he has been waking 3-4 times a night.  A great improvement, yes, but I can tell something is still up.  When I investigated Zantac on the Internet, I found that a side affect is insomnia.  His sleep has gotten a little better every night since he has been off of it (3 days).

I feel like I go through a different theory every day, sometimes several times a day, regarding his sudden change in eating habits.  Most recently I have been reading about nursing strikes.  There are a lot of different reasons why babies do it at this age.  However, I think I've come to realize that since we have ruled out the potentially serious problems like illness, teething pains, ear infection, and acid reflux, the reason is not really important.  The treatment is to keep trying frequently, be patient, and keep an eye on his output to make sure he's not getting dehydrated.  So that's where I'm at (today).  Sometimes it really helps to remind myself that this is temporary.

Time for his bath!  That's always a good time.  Let's hope 5 months brings about me laughing at how little of a deal all of this hard stuff was!

Studying His Sleep

Declan has been asleep for 2 1/2 hours for his 2nd "morning" nap (which has now spilled over to afternoon) now.  Considering 98% of his naps are 30-40 minutes long (I think with only one other exception) - this is weird!  A part of me wonders if he's okay (I have checked on him twice in the last 30 minutes) but he's fine - still breathing!  He's going to be one happy - and hungry - kid when he wakes up, which I'm looking forward to... I miss him!

I've been keeping a sleep log for him since August 10th when I started enforcing naps every 2 hours, and I have used part of the time he's been asleep today to put it in a spreadsheet.  Looking at it all together has helped me to see patterns emerge, and also to help me see how we've improved - little by little - over the past 20 days.

There hasn't been a drastic change, but the biggest thing I am able to see is his natural sleep rhythm.

Wake Up:  7:00 - 8:00am
Morning Nap #1: 9:00am (average duration 75 minutes, most often 1 hour though)
Morning Nap #2:  12:00pm (average duration 50 minutes, most often 30 minutes).  On day 16 he slept for 2 1/2 hours and today (Day 22) he is going on 3 hours for this nap.  Weird.
Afternoon Nap #1: 3:00pm (average duration 50 minutes, but most often 30 minutes).
Afternoon Nap #2: 5:20pm (average duration 35 minutes, most often 30). 
Evening Nap: 7:30pm (average duration 50 minutes, most often 45).
Bedtime: 10:30pm
Night Wake Ups: If his bedtime is between 9 and 10, he will usually wake up twice (around 1am and again at around 5:30am).  If his bedtime is between 10 and 11, he'll just wake up once (around 4 or 5am).  If his bedtime is after 11, he'll wake up around 3:30am and have a rough morning - probably waking again before morning wake up and maybe sleeping fitfully.

There have been a couple of wonderful nights that stand out.  On Day 15 he went to bed at 10:30 and slept until 7:30am (!!!), and on Day 20, he went to bed at 9:30 and slept until 5:00am.  Day 15 though had only one morning nap, and I think we swaddled him and gave him formula that night.  He was probably fussy a lot and hard to deal with that day.  Day 20 was much more ideal - he took 4 of the naps and was much happier in his waking time.

I can't believe he is still asleep for his nap.  When I go in to check on him, he has had his eyes open a couple of times, looking around quietly, but will shut them back again and fall back to sleep.  Maybe he's having a growth spurt???  He will have been asleep for 4 hours pretty soon.  I often worry when he does have abnormally long sleep, thinking I have bundled him too warm or that he will have trouble sleeping tonight.  But I remind myself that sleep is important and sometimes difficult to get, so I let him be and it has always made for a happy waker... I can't wait to play with him when he gets up!

A few quick things we've learned to help him sleep:
• Start the soothing routine 1 to 2 hours after previous wake up
• Have a pacifier handy
• Swaddling
• Rocking
• Singing (the same song or two every time)
• Letting him cry for up to 30 minutes and checking on him every 10.  If he's still awake and crying after 30, I assess if he's hungry again and if not I rock him some more
• Soothe until he's drowsy - not asleep - and put him in bed.  This used to work with no crying, but he has started to figure out our plan and fights it... hence the addition of the "let cry" method into our routine
• Giving him a few ounces of warm formula (helps him to sleep longer... sometimes)
• Daddy magic - Ryan sings to him and holds him tight while rocking and swaddling.
• Taking him for walks or swimming in the evening to wear him out.  Also making him use his muscles like with tummy time or moving his arms and legs and other exercises to physically wear him out.

He was even smaller once - proof that he won't be little forever!

Putting him to bed is not my favorite thing - it's usually a struggle and I just want one thing to work every time so I don't have to think about it so much!  But when I'm rocking him and waiting for those little eyes to go from wide-awake to half-shut, I try to just imagine him getting bigger and not being able to hold him.  Thanks to moms who have gone before me and advised not to take this time for granted, I snuggle him closer and enjoy where we're at right now.

Cloth Diapering: One Month In

I knew I wanted to do cloth diapering when I found out that I was pregnant.  I did a lot of research, but let's face it: there was way too much information out there than I had time for.  It's kind of overwhelming!

In case you haven't noticed, cloth diapering is a lot different than it was when my mom used them on me.  The thought of plastic pants makes me cringe.  It didn't take long for me to realize that I didn't have to worry about rubber chafing my kid...

bumGenius pocket diaper w/ newborn insert

You may remember a previous entry where I was learning about Flip diapers.  Well, the Flip diapers are cool, but I ended up purchasing 6 bumGenius pocket diapers.  Since I was still thinking they worked like the Flip diaper (wash the insert each change, wash the cover as needed) I ordered 6 covers and 36 inserts.  Boy was I surprised when they arrived, I had prewashed them all, and THEN realized that you wash the whole thing, cover and insert every time.  Yah, so, no returns at this point.  I had essentially 1 day's worth of diapers (not including night) and a whole bunch of useless inserts that I couldn't return.

Tip:  Make sure you know how the diaper works before purchasing...

Alva cover in denim - so cute!

Anyway, I used those 6 and washed them pretty much every day.  They really worked for us.  Yes, a little bulky, but really really adorable (and since I like doing laundry, they were all around fun to use!).  It occurred to me that there had to be some way to put those extra inserts to work -- even if I have to make my own covers.

I really thought about making my own covers, but as the days passed, I realized there is just no way that I'd have time for that.  Let's be real.  I was comfortable using the bumGenius diapers, and I thought used would probably be fine.  Besides, cloth that has already gone through prewash is much more exciting to get in the mail (you have to prewash and dry them 6-8 times before using the 1st time).  I took a shot in the dark and ordered some used covers without inserts on eBay.  In the lot are 3 different brands: Alva, Babyland, and Rainbow BB.  I have only received the Alva ones so far, so that's all I can talk about (although I've heard good things about Babyland and better things about Rainbow BB).

Alva cover in black

In comparison to my bumGenius covers, the Alva covers are softer and not quite so stiff so they seem more comfortable.  The snaps are easier to do (in my opinion) and the sizing is great.  I read that the leg openings are too big and that they would probably only fit a fat-legged baby well, but I don't think it's true, Dec has chicken legs!  The leg opening is not super snug but I've had no problems with leaks after using them every day for a week. 

All in all, I'd totally buy them again, but I'll wait and see how I like the Rainbow BB and Bablyand ones to make a decision on that.  Stay tuned for more on cloth diapering - it's kind of an adventure (c:

Saying Goodbye for a While

This week I hugged Whitney and her family goodbye for a little while.  Whitney and I were friends in high school and were college roommates all 3 years (even though everyone said we'd get tired of each other).  We were in each others' weddings (us: June 2009, them: January 2010), and we were watching a movie at her house the night she told me that she might be pregnant.  Even though it was (what we thought of as) bad timing for both of us, we joked about going through that next stage in life together, too.  Little did either of us know or expect that about a month after that night I would be texting her with the news that it was happening.

Now we have our boys, Declan and Micah, 5 weeks apart.  It would be too perfect for them to grow together and have each other to play with, though.  Whitney and her husband have moved to another city in another state for at least a year, and who knows after that?  At least our parents still live 10 minutes apart and we can meet up when we're visiting them for the holidays.  I'll miss you, Roomie, and I hope that Micah and Declan can play together in the future!

Things, Moments, and Emotions

A day or two after we got home from the hospital.

My Declan is 10 weeks and 1 day old today.  When I think about the past 10 weeks, what stands out to me are the moments.  I've had my heart warmed so many times from day one, whether it was him looking at me with so much interest in the very beginning, cooing contently while he nursed, or giving me his huge, full, open-mouth, toothless smile with a squeal of delight like he is doing most recently. 

Lots of people ask how it's going.  Honestly, I feel in general like I am adapting to it slower than most new moms do.  I didn't think I would struggle with failure so much.  I knew going into it that it would be hard, but my philosophy was that babies are tough, and my instincts will kick in.  On the other hand, I've had moments of extreme pride and victory, like the fact that he has slept for 6-7 hour stretches since we got home from the hospital (up until recently!... fail).  So I told myself that we really had it easy because that infamous new baby sleep was fairly kind to us. 

I've struggled with breastfeeding, too.  I want it so bad for him because it's best, but in the hospital he had low blood sugar so his pediatrician had me supplement with formula.  I was heartbroken over this tiny thing, I felt like it was a slippery slope and I would end up with a low milk supply and not be able to give him the best like I had imagined.  We ended up fighting that and winning and he has been exclusively breastfed for 2 months now.  However, just the other day after a couple of weeks of being stressed and overtired, I realized that supply was low again.  He seemed dissatisfied after most feedings and his previously wonderful night sleep had gone from 6-8 hours stretches down to 3-4 (hence the stress and fatigue on my part).  Last night we gave him a little formula before he went to bed to make sure he was full, and wouldn't you know the poor guy slept for 9 hours straight, and went on to have three 1-hour naps and one 2.5 hour nap today (completely new).  So in the name of everyone sleeping well, I might try "topping him off" with a couple of ounces of formula before bed for the next couple of nights.

Swaddle Me blanket... straightjacket

Along with utilizing good old biology, there are a few items that really make parenting easier.  At the moment we have fallen back in love with a device that is essentially a straight jacket (I say "back in love" because we used it when he was a newborn and loved it then, too - he barely fits into it anymore - his shoulders stick out the top, but it still works!) - it's a funny-shaped blanket called a "Swaddle Me."  It's great for those of us who suck at swaddling (as both Ryan and I admit we do).  Strapping his arms to his sides is apparently the one little trigger that makes a crying, furious, overtired baby switch to a calm child who will easily and quietly put himself to sleep (it happened 3 times today).  From now on this item will be my gift at all baby showers - it is amazing.

Dec modeling his bumGenius (c:

I'm also embracing the cloth diapering.  I now have 13 cloth diapers (7 more coming in the mail).  The first 6 I purchased new (bumGenius).  I got comfortable with those and decided that used ones would probably be perfectly acceptable and save me some cash, so I went to the almighty eBay.  Other than being economical, fairly easy, and environmental, they're FUN!  They come in any color you could want and lots of different prints (camo!).  So we still use disposables at night and on outings, but for every day we just go cloth.  We end up only using about 2 disposables a day on normal at-home days.  Cha-ching!  Cloth wipes, too - we have a wipe warmer that keeps the flannel wipes warm and moist.  The biggest thing I love about those is how smooth they are - it's odd but they really are a pleasure to use over disposable wipes.  Whodathunk!?

Oh, another product that I love is the Lansinoh manual breast pump.  We thought about it a long time - electric pump?  Splurge and get the best one?  Settle?  Will it even work for me?  We ended up spending $30 on this device and it's been great.  One of the main things I love about it is the portability and simplicity of it.  I have taken it on road trips (a time when you usually need a bottle over nursing anyway) and it's so easy to pump in the car.  Of course it's also not loud like an electric pump.  Win/win.

I feel like I could write a book on all of the knowledge I have accrued in these 10 weeks, and I am eager to share it with other new moms and swap advice.  But every time I think I have it figured out (pride booster), I am humbled.  Miserably knocked down!  I am surprised at my own inability to forgive myself for getting it wrong when I know that just about any mistake is so tiny in the grand scheme of things.  I didn't know it would be so hard to not be hard on myself.  So I'm working on that.  When Declan gets up from his naps and he smiles and coos at me, it lifts me back up to confidence.  My baby's happy and he loves me. That's enough to get me through til next time (c:

Declan Day

My mom had the foresight to keep a log of the main events leading up to Declan's arrival.  So glad she did!  Helped me a lot with this entry.

I had a doctor's appointment on my due date (June 14), and of course I was hoping to hear that I had been in labor all day and had started dilating already.  I wanted more than anything to go into labor naturally, then see how far I could get through it without pain meds.  The last couple of weeks had been so uncomfortable.  The swelling in my feet was getting more and more difficult to control.  His pressing on my organs was pretty painful, and I could not sit or lie down (not to mention get up) without great difficulty and some pain.  None of it was unbearable, but the persistence of the little things was driving me to understand what Sarah meant when she blogged, "By this point in the pregnancy, you do not care if the baby has to leave your ear sideways."

Needless to say, I was disheartened to learn that I still was not in labor that day.  My doctor felt all around on my belly bump to determine his position and estimate his size.  She said he was a big one - at least 8lbs.  Then she expressed her concern about waiting too long to induce.  She was concerned that the longer I waited, the lesser my chances of being able to deliver vaginally became.  I knew that 8lbs was on the large side, but I also knew that lots of babies are 8+lbs, easy.  Despite that... let me see, how do I put this?  I saw her point.  Large kid - small hole.  I didn't want to induce, but I definitely didn't want to undergo major surgery and a lengthy recouperation.

The next day (Wednesday, June 15), I slept in, did a little work from home, and double checked my hospital bag.  Ryan had woken up with a sore throat but went to work anyway.  By late morning he decided that he needed to see a doctor.  He went to the clinic and was diagnosed with strep throat.  They gave him a shot of penicillan and told him he would not be contagious after 24 hours.  This meant that he would not be able to stay the night in the hospital with me as I was induced, and he would also not be able to be with me during labor.  Our only consolation was that he would be safe to join us after 3pm, and my doctor speculated that our baby would not arrive before Ryan was able to join us.

We were to arrive at the hospital between 6:30 and 7:00pm.  I cried when Ryan held me and assured me all would be okay, and then Mom, Ruth and I headed out the door to the hospital, leaving him behind.  This was not how I pictured this going at all.  I had read that its important to be flexible with your birth plans because you never know what complications could arise, but never had I imagined having to do it without Ryan.  I continued to sob the whole way there (still crying now just remembering it - wow hormones).  By the time we arrived at the hospital, I was composed enough.  We went to registration at the ER and I filled out the paperwork.  The lady at the desk commented on how calm I was, and Mom told her I had been upset because Ryan couldn't come and of course I had to fight back tears again (pretty unsuccessfully).

By 8pm we were in our hospital room.  They put me on an IV drip , put a monitor on my belly to measure the baby and the nurse, Sarah, checked me for dilation - I was still just 1cm.  At 10pm they inserted a tablet behind my cervix to get it to start softening, and I was instructed to stay on my back and that I wasn't allowed to pee until midnight in order to keep the tablet from being dislodged.  At 11, we got the ultrasound that my doctor ordered to get a better estimate of his size.  We had hoped to get a glimpse of his face, but the tech was a rather grumpy old man who apparently didn't hear very well.  He measured and measured.  The screen was turned so I could barely see it, but I strained to see the numbers.  I asked him, "Does that say 8lbs, 15oz?!" He muttered that it did and my mom and I stared at each other open-mouthed.  Nurse Sarah came in around that time and told us the ultrasounds are not always very accurate, but she was going to call my doctor and inform her of the estimated weight, "To see what she wanted to do."  I knew that meant my doctor might want to consider a c-section more seriously in light of this.  I started to prepare mentally, but when Sarah came back she said we were going to continue with plan A and see what happens.

I slept fairly well, my worst complaint being the IV in my hand (such a pain!).  At 4:20am I woke up with some real pain from contractions.  The nurse had told me I could get some pain relief intravenously before going for the epidural.  I sat up slightly to find the remote to call her when I felt two small pops and a little gush of fluid.  The nurse came in and tested the fluid to make sure it was amniotic and it was - my water was broken!  She also gave me something for the pain that made me feel a little woozy, but it helped me to sleep very well also.  I was also 50% effaced and still just 1cm dilated at that point.

At 5:15am she started me on Pitocin to bring on the labor contractions.  At 6:15 I got another dose of that wonderful woozy stuff.  I liked it since it really did help with the pain and made my IV less bothersome, plus I slept like a baby!

At 7am my doctor arrived and I was dilated to 3cm.  The show was on the road.  At 8:30am my contractions were 2 minutes apart.  At 9am I asked for the epidural - the contractions had gotten too bad for my woozy intravenous friend to handle.  The anesthesiologist came in and I sort of broke down with fear of having a needle inserted into my back.  They told me to sit on the edge of the bed, hunch my back, and hold very still.  I was like, are you kidding me?  I don't trust myself to hold still!!!  Whitney  had told me that they had her wrap her arms and legs around Jerod to help stabilize herself for this part.  I missed Ryan so much then!  And since he wasn't here were they really going to make me do this alone?  I asked Mom if she would let me lean on her and they had a nurse step in instead, but it wasn't the same.  I shook and when he was wiping the spot on my back with a cotton ball I practically leapt out of my skin because every nerve in my back was on and it tickled like crazy!  I sat there and tried my hardest to calm down but my control was limited.  I still don't know if it was the rest of my water gushing out or something else...  This was the beginning of my dignity being totally lost.

After 20 minutes, my epidural had kicked in and I slept solid until 11.  They steadily increased my Pitocin drip during this time, and by 1:30pm I was 7cm and had some nausea.  I struggled with the nausea for a while but at 3:30pm I threw up.  Nothing in my stomach so it was just bile, but again I felt awful for my mom and Ruthie, and now my inlaws who were in the room.

At 3:45pm I was at 9cm.  My mom's notes end here so I'm not sure at what point I became 10cm, but I do remember that Ryan showed up sometime around this point and I was so happy to see him, but also reminded of how sad it was that he had to wear a mask.  After I was officially 10cm, my doctor and I agreed that we wanted to wait a little bit longer to start the pushing.  Her reasons were different from mine I'm sure... lol.  She had a good medical reason - can't remember what it was.  I was just afraid and wanted a few minutes to again mentally prepare.

The feeling and muscle control in the lower half of my body were loooong gone.  My mom and mother in law hoisted my legs up into some kind of leg stirrups and Ryan held my right hand and supported my head.  There was no mirror to watch what was going on down there, but it was over so fast I never thought to ask.  I did 3 hard pushes for (I think) 3 contractions.  My mom and MIL's squeals egged me on.  Everyone counted with me together to hold my pushes to the count of ten.  Ryan started leading the counts and his voice broke so we all had a chuckle over him being a little emotional.  Doc looked up and said she thought I might tear and asked if I wanted an episiotomy.  I couldn't decide and I did have some feeling down there so I was just afraid of feeling it.  I hesitantly agreed and was glad when I couldn't feel any pain from it and we were pushing again.  After a total of 15 minutes of pushing, I felt him slide out and everyone exclaiming, he was put on my chest and he looked right at me.  I could not believe it.  He looked so big and beautiful and healthy.  I held him for just a few seconds before they took him to do whatever it is that they do and Ryan cut the cord.  I heard Ryan tell a nurse, "Declan James,"  so that was that, and I was glad he was decisive about it.  It's true, he is a Declan.

It's 1:43am ya'll, and my son's due for a feeding in an hour, so I'm going to get some sleep and I'll finish up with the details of our hospital stay when I get a chance.  Goodnight!

Week 38: The OFFICIAL Wait Begins

Most babies, left to their own devices, come between 38 and 42 weeks gestation.  That's why this week is another marker for me.  Now I can really start thinking: any time now.  Sadly, as much as my body aches and I experience other weird symptoms, I don't feel like it's close at hand just yet.  So people, sit back and put me in the back burner of your mind for another week or so, and we'll revisit analyzing each and every pain and symptom.  I wish I could put it at the back of my mind!

Weekly doctor's appointment was this morning.  She said my cervix is getting softer (like she said two weeks ago) and beginning to get lower, although it could have been the way I was sitting.  So progress, if any, has been slow, but she added that all of that can change suddenly so really there's no telling. 

As I have mentioned before, she induces her patients no later than a week after their due date because of the risk of the placenta starting to fail at doing its job (delivering nutrients and oxygen).  There is confusion over my due date because, well, I got pregnant within a month after getting off of the pill.  My doctor decided to go with the due date that the sonogram gave (June 18) rather than the calculated one (June 14).  I was glad for that because I wanted to avoid being induced as long as possible, and that set the date for induction way out at June 24.  This week I have been wondering if I am making the right decision.  If my real due date is June 14 (I don't know if it's wishful thinking or intuition) then June 24 seems like it might be dangerously long if we really do wait that long.  I might have started feeling a little anxious about waiting that long, even.

Anyway, we moved the induction date to June 20.  I feel better about that and after talking to my doctor about the physical differences in labor between natural and being induced.  I still hope upon hope that he'll come all on his own before then.

For now, I'm trying to take the advice that all moms give me:  enjoy these last few weeks.  I'm trying to talk to him more, read out loud, pat his bottom when he sticks it out (haha), and rejoice in all of his movements because each one confirms he's healthy and strong.

Last week I made a huge order on Target's website.  Every day since Tuesday we have been getting the deliveries.  We put the crib together last night.  The Bumbo, play yard, mattress pads, some diapers, monitor, and changing pad cover came today.  We have a list of things that we need to do and we're checking stuff off each night, but I know if Mom and Ruthie get here and have a couple of days before baby o'clock, it ALL will get done.  They are awesome like that.  If we run out of stuff to do then maybe we'll paint a wall or two (c:  I can't wait for them to get here.  They're coming on the 10th, so in a way I hope Declan gives us a few days to really get things ready for him.  That would be perfect.

Thanks for reading! (c:

Week 37: Low Pressure System

I don't want to discourage any of you out there who have not had children yet, but man oh man am I ready to be done.  I think Declan started to drop last weekend.  I don't know if babies "dropping" is like a "bloop" and they're dropped sort of deal, or if it's a progressive drop, but it is definitely getting more and more uncomfortable each day.  They call it "lightening" when your baby drops, supposedly because you can breathe easier.  I wouldn't have called it that though.  It feels more like a baby's head is settling into my pelvis and pressing on all my guts.  Funny, I feel heavier than ever.

I'm really not tempted to be angry at him for it.  In a really demented sort of way it's exciting to know we're getting this close.  I'd like to think this means we have less than 3 weeks.  At my appointment last Thursday, doc said he is head-down (has been for the past 2 weeks actually) and my cervix is starting to soften.  That sounded like a big deal to me but so far all my contractions have been just plain old Braxton Hicks.  Other than [intensifying] pressure and a few sharp pains that we will not go into too much detail on, we're still just business as usual.

Forgive me, I have grown very moody and frustrated the past few days.  I have transitioned to working from home which is nice in that I can put my feet up and stay in my PJs, even take a nap if I need to, but we've had a lot of connectivity problems and it is stressing me out a lot.  Plus my body hurts.  I'm just having a really bad day.

Happy news is that we made quite a bit of progress in the nursery last night.  We had dumped a bunch of stuff in the large closet in there from the move, and it needed to be sorted through.  Ryan threw a lot of stuff away (personal victory!) and I am just waiting for my energy to be recharged once more so that we can make more progress.  We made a huge Target order the other night to get the rest of the stuff on our registry, so that stuff will be trickling in and it will come together more and more.

Sorry this is a mostly bad update )c: