I'm not a writer, and even lately I've discovered that I'm actually kind of bad at writing. I've become painfully aware of this in college when I'd proudly ask my friends to critique my paper and be surprised to get it back with several suggestions for grammatical changes.
Do you ever have moments where someone shows you that you're not as good at something as you thought you were? For many years, I have held confidence in myself regarding my ability to write papers free of common [and even uncommon] grammatical and spelling errors. However, I should have taken my confidence with a grain of salt because I never had formal English teaching in grade school. I wrote papers well enough because I read a lot and I knew how sentences should sound and look for the most part. So, my Mom decided to focus her efforts on subjects that I was not so good at. I could compose a correctly structured sentence, but I could not tell you the rules governing it.
One thing that I have always had confidence in is my ability to sit down with a pencil and paper and draw something that recognizably resembles my subject matter. I feel like art has been a big part of who I am my whole life, but I've never truly given it time. This blog is about my process of getting back to who I am. When I'm painting or drawing it takes me to new levels physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. I become a better artist with more and more practice, my mind is renewed and I find so much joy in the process and the finished product, and my husband seems to do backflips in his heart when he sees me paint. [It's like a magic happy button for him.] I also can't help but feel that I have entered a "room" that God made just for me. I see it as his way of being consistent with me. I know that no matter how many years it's been since I've painted, I can still go back and be happy doing it. I get into a zone and connect with who [I think] he's created me to be. Not that I think God wants me to be an artist, but that he wants me to always have that happy place I can go to and remember what I love.
I think that all artists feel happy and rejuvenated when they do their thing. However, I am convinced that God gave it to me because I get discouraged when I realize how I lack and have failed even when I thought I was fine. He gave me one place where I can go pull out the gift he gave me, dust it off, and perpetually find happiness and worth no matter what bricks of my self-esteem have crumbled. Thanks, God.