Monday, October 25, 2010

The Secret Baby Log

This is to update you on the little secret goings-on in my life the past few weeks.  I am warning you now, there is a bit of woman-talk, so men beware.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Last week I was looking forward to this weekend so much.  When the weekend came, so did the whirlwind of people.  It was wonderful to see familiar faces.  After Wes and his carpooling buddies left after lunch at Butcher Shop on Sunday, Ryan and I went home and settled into our relaxing afternoon.  It wasn't until then that I realized I was 6 days late.

We debated on using the one pregnancy test we had purchased a few months back.  We had a "scare" back then and had bought two of them.  I had felt silly when I found out I wasn't pregnant.  I had even gone to the doctor.  I didn't want to embarrass myself like that again.  But after all, I was 6 days late (and I have always been very routine).  We checked our calendar and counted days and there was just no way, we had been faithful to what we thought we knew was risk-free.  But 6 days?  I decided we had the ability to find out or keep waiting, and I wanted to know.

You are supposed to wait two minutes before determining the results of the test.  I locked myself in the bathroom and decided to distract myself with an Ikea magazine while I waited.  But out of the corner of my eye I saw the moment where the plus sign became visible and I decided to not peek at it again until the 2 minutes were up.  I was shakey when the generous two minutes of counting seconds were up.  I looked at it in disbelief.  There it was.  I unlocked the door and Ryan was sitting outside in his computer chair.  He said he could tell by the look on my face and I motioned him to come over and read it since I felt like I was too weirded out to be sure of what I saw.  

We spent a few minutes hugging and Ryan could only say, "What?!" and grab his hair.  We wanted to be happy but the heavy consequences (even though we were too scrambled to name them) were like a wall between us and the sheer excitement we always thought we would feel at this moment.  We laid in bed and stared at each other.  Not talking very much, just processing.  

I convinced Ryan to let me text Whitney.  We are now in it together and I wanted her to know it as soon as possible.  We're having lunch tomorrow to unload the questions we have for each other and ponder this completely unexpected, but completely wonderful (although certainly consequential) phenomenon.  

I have only told Whitney and Jerod and the lady who does our Health Care Insurance here at work to make sure we're all set up to be taken care of.  I will probably be telling my boss today too since I recently submitted my week's work plan to him and I will want to explain that I have a Dr.  Appointment on Friday at 2pm.  

Yesterday I was experiencing some menstrual-like cramps.  No noticeable symptoms before that.  Today I feel a little crampy still but my nerves have made so shaky.  I guess we will find out on Friday, but my best guess is that I'm probably 3 weeks along now, and that's that.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

We told the Brewers and the Oglesbees last night.  I wanted to because I had heard that telling people helps one get more excited about it, but Ryan was on the fence and so I told him it was his decision.  He went back and forth throughout our visit, we even snuck into the kitchen and pretended to be getting more food so we could have a little meeting.  The girls were watching Dancing with the Stars in the living room while the guys played Brass in the dining room, but Ryan came in and said he had decided to do it.  He made the announcement, and Ellen and Lauren practically started planning my babyshower six months away while John made Ryan an extra special margarita.

Yesterday evening and today my symptoms are the same.   I have a cough and my chest is tight, but I don't think that is related.  I still feel crampy in my lower abdomen and perhaps the worst is how sore my boobs are.  I am also tired, but that could be due to going cold-turkey on caffeine.  It's a good thing I cut back on it weeks ago for other reasons.  I have been doing just tea 4 days a week and I usually have coffee on Friday and Saturday and a supplementary dose of sleeping in on Sundays.  My only attempt at an energy-boosting drink is Emergen-C in the mornings.  It has B vitamins as well as vitamin C, so I figure it will be good to help me kick my cough as well.

Today I meet with Whitney over lunch which I am really excited about.  I guess I should write down some questions.  Mainly stuff on what the doc told her she should and shouldn't do.  One of my biggest ones will be asking her to update me on their moving plans since I thought they would be moving before their baby's born, but in her text she said our kids would be buddies for at least their early childhood.  In my imagination, we get to go through our very close pregnancies together.  Sharing tips and experiences, setting up our registries, shopping resale stores for furniture, clothes, and anything else, discussing nursery plans, yadda yadda yadda.  Maybe it's just me.  I love Ryan and he is very supportive and has proven that he is going to go the extra mile to make me comfortable, but it will be comforting in a different way to have someone who is going through almost the exact same thing.  It'll be a story we share for life.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

This morning I have had some moments that I thought might be the beginning of nausea, but so far nothing that can really be justifiably morning sickness.  I know it will get old really fast if I am one of those who has to deal with that symptom, but in an odd way I am still looking for confirmation that I'm pregnant.  I keep doubting it, even though the pregnancy test is still sitting on our bathroom counter on top of the instructions and it still reads positive.  Maybe it will be real after Friday when we go to the doctor.  Whitney and I talked a little about her first visit to the doctor and I feel like I know more about what to expect.  

Ryan has moments where he stops and looks at me and goes, "You're pregnant."  He's kicked into a little bit of "take care of you" mode.  While we watched an episode of Bones last night, he put my legs into his lap and stroked them for the entire hour.  It was awesome.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I am looking forward to tomorrow.  We get to see the doctor at 2 and it will feel good to have her confirm what we already know by now.  I guess at this point I am just wanting to know that everything is going normally and all is ok.  

Still have my cough, but what I have noticed most about this morning is more nausea - yuck!  And I'm already very tired at 10:30am.  I went to bed before 11 again last night - this is my new goal.  I will try to make it 10:30 next week, maybe?  I haven't had caffeine since Sunday at lunch.  I am thinking I might make myself a hot tea in a minute.  If I could perk up and get through this day, then the rest of the week will be a breeze!

I think I know how we are going to tell Ryan's parents.  It's not super creative like I had hoped to come up with, but I haven't read or thought of anything better.  I think we will get two nice bouquets of flowers and give one make one for their anniversary and then hand them the other one that will have a card or something that says, "Get ready to be grandparents!"

28 years of Marriage
25 years of Parenthood
16 months of being In-Laws
34 weeks til Grandparenthood!

Friday, October 15, 2010

At last!  Today is the day we go to the doctor.  In all truth, I have wound down my excitement almost to dread, though.  I will have to have my blood drawn and I always pass out on those occasions.   Plus I'm not feeling very strong-stomached so I don't want to do anything outside of my comfort zone at the moment (even though being at work and not under my covers is out of my comfort zone).  Whit said they will probably call us with the blood test results, but given it's Friday afternoon, I am prepared for them to say the call won't come until Monday.  

My boss speculated that I probably wouldn't be back after my doc appointment and I think I am going to agree with him there.  We could use the time to go home and pack and get on the road early enough to have supper with those other Malones and get this party started.  We can't wait to tell them.  Ryan and I have talked over and over about what their reactions might be like.  We think Donny will have a, "Oh!  Wow..." kind of pondering type of reaction.  Vicki will most likely squee and clap her hands and hug us then follow with torrents of questions.  Wes will make a disapproving face, but he will get over it.  If he says anything, it will be, "Whut!"  I would like to get it on video but I don't know if we can swing that.  Maybe I will ask an innocent bystander to tape it with my phone for us. People like to be a part of this kind of stuff, right?

Anyway, I didn't even start getting ready for bed last night until almost midnight.  In the shower, I felt lightheaded and nauseated.  I wanted to get in bed so bad, but I finished brushing my teeth and when I finally crawled between the sheets I was feeling sick.  I was also extremely tired so I decided to let that take over.  

This morning my cough is worse than ever and I sound awful.  I feel bad for my coworkers when I hack  and you can hear the flem in the back of my throat.  Nasty.  Well, I am going to the doctor so maybe she'll give me something to make it go away.  

....Babies!  0.o

Monday, October 18, 2010

We told Ryan's parents and Wes this weekend.  This morning, feeling overall not myself.  I feel yucky inside, tired, cold.  Nothing like a morning at work to motivate me to get to bed early tonight!

Oh yeah, expecting a call from the lab today with the  blood work results.  I need to remember to ask them my blood type and my due date.  Still wanting to hear them say everything's ok.  It's just too surreal and I just can't wrap my head around this actually following through and resulting in a baby.  When I hear the bloodwork come back normal, then maybe I will be able to internalize it.

I think we picked out a girl's name this weekend.  Eoin, although I think the spelling is problematic.  Maybe Aoen?  Aowen?  Plus, there's the ties back to the Lord of the Rings movies.  Ryan LOVES the name though.  I don't know, what do you think?

Eowin Margaret Malone
Eowin Alvaree Malone
Margaret Eoin Malone

Eoin is Irish, it means God is good.  We do favor Irish names.  What do you think is the best spelling for it?

We've had our boy names picked out for a while.  We like James and Declan and Seamus.  The funny thing is Seamus is the Irish variation of James... hah!  The question is, do we use all names on one child or save one or two for another child?

James Declan Malone
Seamus _____ Malone

If we had three kids, I like the combination of James, Seamus, and Eoin.  The name James seems to stabilize the others, doesn't it?  

I am really liking Seamus right now.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I didn't come into work until 1:30 today.  Last night right before bed around 11, I went to the restroom and found that I was bleeding.  It wasn't much, but it looked like a lot at the time.  Any amount of blood seemed cause for alarm.  I went to my book because I remembered reading something previously in it that might be more relevant to me now.  It said that 1 out of 5 women bleed during pregnancy, so it wasn't unusual, but I should still call my doctor.  I didn't seem to be bleeding anymore, so Ryan and I went to bed.  He hugged me tight and prayed and we both felt a little worried as we fell asleep.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night to extreme nausea, but it either passed or I fell back to sleep.

When our alarms went off this morning, I found that I still hadn't bled anymore.  A relief.  I decided to not go into work until I heard from my doctor.  I thought surely they would say one of three things:  1) stay in bed and rest,  2) come in right away,  or 3) it's no big deal, continue life as usual unless it happens again.  The doctor's office opened at 8.  Ryan reluctantly left to go to class, but told me he'd keep his cell on vibrate in his pocket.  

I waited until 8:05 to call.  The receptionist answered and took down all of my information and reason for calling and said she would pass it on to my doctor's nurse.  I laid in bed and held the phone in my hand for several minutes, waiting for the return call.  After a while I decided to set it on the nightstand and try to relax.  Around 8:30, Dr. Lundy's nurse called me and took all the same information, saying she would ask the Dr. for me and call me back.  This time, I rolled over and let myself go back to sleep to help the time pass.  I woke up at about 10 and still no call.  Concerned, but trying not to worry, I rolled over and went back to sleep.  At 11 I woke up again and felt like I had been forgotten, so I called them two more times and no one picked up.  Finally on my third try, someone picked up on the first ring.  It was the same receptionist as before, and she sounded irritated that nobody had returned my call yet.  She said she would send another urgent message back there and someone would call me back.  

Finally, at 12:30, someone called me back, though all she could tell me was that they had called the OBGYN that was recommended and told them I needed an appointment and that they would be calling me.  I asked if it would be today or tomorrow or when and she didn't know.  I asked her if she thought I could go to work and she said if I feel fine that I probably could.  So I had a quick lunch and came into work.

I got a call a little while ago from the OBGYN's office to set up an appointment.  So I am getting my first sonogram at 8:30 in the morning.  Everyone is assuring me it's not so uncommon to bleed a little, but they do take precautions to make sure everything's ok anyway.  Ryan told me he didn't care what it cost, he just wanted to know for sure everything is fine.  I feel the same way.  So I guess we should just be happy we get an ultrasound so early!?  Even though there won't be much to see!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

First sonogram over!  I am so glad that Ryan decided to come with me instead of go to work this morning.  He is under a lot of pressure to get something done at work that he is behind on, so he definitely felt torn, but I am thankful he decided it was more important to be there for the first sonogram instead and take the heat at work if he has to.  I had to have a different kind of sonogram because I'm still so early, but we definitely got a good look at the little blob.  It was so much cuter than I thought!  Haha, ok, so humor aside, she estimated that I'm about 5 1/2 weeks  along.  I am assuming she meant fertilization age and not gestational age (which is 2 weeks longer than fertilization age).  I wish I had asked her.  She could not see any heartbeat but she said we should in a week or two.  That reminds me that we did not get another appointment... maybe they set that up later.  

Well, I got my blood taken again.  You know, it's not so bad.  I'm learning that it's always easier than I think it's going to be.  I hope I can get used to it, it seems pregnancy is a fine opportunity to be stuck a lot.  The nurse said I may hear as soon as this afternoon about the results, but it could be tomorrow.  I wonder what they are going to tell me?  Everything is fine, your baby is normal?  Will they be able to tell me if its alive and growing and alleviate my concerns about the bleeding and the lack of heartbeat?  Or will they just say what I was told last time, "Your blood work looks good."  Surely blood can tell you a lot, and I want to know everything!

So many things you have to be careful about that I didn't know.  No alcohol, that's not so hard unless you're surrounded by people who are drinking.  But thoughts of baby make me feel empowered during those times.  Minimal caffeine - I have had a cup of tea most days, but from what I understand that's completely in the safe zone.  The weird one is Proactive - I had been using it faithfully for over a week, but reading about the dangers of salicylic acid, even applied topically, made me stop using it on Sunday night.  There's not even any salicylic acid in the ingredient list of any of the products, but when I checked online, the vote is kind of split.  Some people say their doctors told them not to risk it since there hasn't been testing through the FDA to determine that it's safe for pregnant women.  Some say their doctors didn't see anything wrong with it since it doesn't have salicylic acid.  So I have been not risking it until I can ask my OBGYN.  With as fragile as I feel, I don't need anything else risky to complicate things.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I hope, for Ryan's sake, that the rest of my pregnancy is not like this.  I don't feel terrible, but I am always on the verge of sick enough to not be any fun.  In the evenings, all I want to do is sit and watch tv or go to bed.  Last night I overcame that and went to Bible study and when I got home I cleaned the kitchen, put a pot roast on in the crock pot, and started a load of laundry.  I was feeling proud to have gotten so much done, but it was nothing in comparison to what needed to be done.  I looked around downstairs before I went up to bed (exhausted) - clean piles of laundry needing to be folded and put away, shoes needing to be taken upstairs, receipts needing to be filed, mail needing to be opened and dealt with, couch cover needing to be put back on... etc.

I didn't get the call about the blood work yesterday, so I am expecting it today.  I have my phone on vibrate in my pocket so surely I won't miss it.  I also have an office evaluation today and I am wondering if I am going to get the call right as they are in the midst of evaluating me.  It sounds silly when you know everything is fine, but until I know everything is fine, it's really my baby's life that is at stake.  I will want to take that call.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Tonight we are headed out to Temple.  In the morning, we're meeting up with my parents in Buda at Cabella's and we'll tell them the news.  I still don't know how.  I have thought about just telling Ruthie and letting her contagious reaction do it.  I don't know if I've already talked about this, but I think I don't like telling people as much as I thought I would.  I don't like the awkwardness of the reaction.  My family will be the last people I tell in person, then I'm just putting it on Facebook and we'll let the people have their way with it.  That way everyone can know and we can just move on!

I have so wanted to have my mom involved these past two weeks.  I am really looking forward to being able to get her perspective and having her to talk to, especially if there are any more complications.  She is practical and honest, and it just feels weird keeping it a secret from her when we talk on the phone because it's so prevalent in my mind.

With the new estimate that I'm about 5 1/2 weeks along (now almost 6), I re-did my calendar and guessed that my due-date is more like June 6.  No doctor has given me a due date yet.  I am surprised at how much you have to take the initiative to ask.  There is so much to know, though, I guess doctors just make sure they get in the important stuff.

Still no call yesterday.  Surely it will come today!  In the meantime, munching on saltines and drinking some English Teatime.  Love the sweet/salty combo!

My symptoms lately have been a consistent stream of nausea, overall feeling wimpy and noodly, sometimes a little shaky, minimal appetite, and my boobs have increased by about a half cup size and they HURT!  I may be getting more sensitive to smell because I couldn't stand using the white-out this morning on my to-do list - I held my breath.

Ryan and I talked last night about how we are feeling a little disconnected.  All of this has us a little confused about how to think about and treat each other.  No arguments or anything, just like, I don't know myself like this, I am having a hard time thinking of myself as a mom.  Usually, he is at the forefront of my mind and my plans.  Lately, I've been consumed with - not even thoughts of baby - but thoughts of pregnancy and how I feel.  Since we talked about it though I really feel like getting on the same page has restored balance and connection.  This morning he talked through my bellybutton: "I know you can't hear me, but I love you and I think you're awesome."  Precious.


Finally got that call.  It wasn't what I thought - she had no answers for me.  Apparently when I had my blood drawn on Wednesday it was just one of (I am hoping only two) tests they will do to compare my hormone levels as time goes on.  I just got back from having my blood drawn again, this time, the other arm.  That makes 3 times in 7 days.  Not my favorite thing, but definitely worth doing for the sake of knowing.  Each comes with a nice deductible.  God is faithful though, when I plugged all of our numbers into our budget and all of the estimated numbers, it somehow comes out fine.  

I am also scheduled for another sonogram on Monday at 9:30am, and then I guess I get to meet Dr. Chinn at 11am for an appointment.  I wonder if that's the appointment where they finally tell you what's going on.  I appreciate the process of the tests and the sonograms because it makes sense to me, I am just fighting with the universe over how long it takes to get these answers.  Again though, God is faithful, even in the small stuff.  I will have to take off a half day of work next week for these doctor visits, but it's during a slow time when my boss is on vacation.  So at least I won't have to go back to a stressful day at work afterward!

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